Moms grow little people into teens but then they transform into silent creatures? How can we cultivate meaningful conversations that continue into their teen years?

Our kids are growing up in a culture foreign to our own and quite frankly we don’t always understand it. This can lead to awkward silence at best or combative arguments at worse. Either way, the result is disconnect, leaving us moms feeling disappointed, frustrated even lonely. Wouldn’t it be nice not to feel likes strangers as your teens grow into their own unique person?

As a mom of teenage daughters, I know how it feels to experience this shift in the relationship. It can feel painful. I’ve learned the importance of skilling up and pivoting my approach to get better and smarter at conversations with teens who naturally want to differentiate themselves from their parents and establish their own identity.

Thankfully, with a few proactive measures, we can move toward more fulfilling discussions.

5 Steps to Engaging Conversations With Your Teen

1. Do A Self-Check

How judgmental am I? Am I inclined to immediately correct an opinion or offer judgment on an issue, idea, or comment? This is a sure way to short circuit the conversation. I’m a born teacher so I love to opine, but this brings swift death to a potentially great dialogue. Slow down. As James says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Wise advice indeed.

2. Study their Culture

Those of us parenting the next generation are either Gen Xers or Millennials. We were teenagers in the ’80s and ’90s. It seems like just yesterday to me, but that was 30-40 years ago. Yikes! I can’t tell you how excited I was as a teen in the 80’s to get a phone in my bedroom with a 30-foot cord so I could “stay connected” anywhere in the room. “Staying connected” holds a vastly different meaning to today’s teens.

GET TO KNOW GENERATION Z

Pew Research reports that Generation Zers are born between 1997-2012 and are between the ages of 8-23 years old (in 2020). Constant Connectivity to them means a smartphone in their hands, WIFI, unlimited Data, on-demand entertainment.

 Instead of lying on their bed talking on the phone for hours until their mom kicks them off to make a call on the shared landline, they lie on their bed for hours “talking” with their friends via IG Messenger, Snap Chat, or another app of their choice. They entertain themselves with YouTube videos, old Vines, and TikTok.

 Social Media instructs them on the latest news, trends, and presents an often compelling if not one-sided presentation of the issues their culture faces. And the issues are challenging: racism, sexual identity, anxiety, and depression to name just a few.

 With many voices speaking to our teens, how do we as parents stay in the conversation? And as Christian moms, how do we point them to Christ and help them think about complex problems through the lens of Scripture? We must first know their culture, their music, their influencers.

 3. Stay Curious and ask good questions

I remember being elementary age and my college-age brother was a master question asker. He would genuinely ask my opinion on various issues. He wanted to know my thoughts and I felt very important by his sincere curiosity. Asking open-ended questions with a tone of curiosity honors our kids and creates a place of safety.

Some examples:

• How are you feeling (what is your thinking) about this topic?
• What are you hearing on social media?
• What are you agreeing with? Disagreeing with?
• What are your questions about this topic?
• Which Scriptures come to mind that speaks to this issue?

Asking good questions with a genuine desire to learn will foster conversation, honor, and trust.

 4. Listen to Understand

Of course, after we ask good questions, we need to listen with a heart that desires to understand, even when we hear a different perspective. Sometimes I ask, “Tell me more about that?” We can enter into the conversation more effectively after we have sought to understand.

 5. Pray

When we have a window into our teen’s heart and we understand what they are thinking, we can know how to pray for them. They are the leaders of tomorrow and a bridge to the future. My prayer is that God will grow my skills so we can continue the conversation for years to come.

Do I share my perspective? Yes, that is part of a dialogue and I strive to do it in a way that encourages continued conversation as we think about topics through a Biblical lens. The more we do it, the more natural it becomes.

Equipping yourself with a few tools and seasoning your family with prayer is worth the effort. Your conversations matter and I hope this prepares you with a plan to develop great lifelong conversations.

To find more organizations that support parents and teens to think and assess culture from a Biblical worldview, check out the following sites: www.axis.org and www.worldview.org.